I fell in love in Vietnam & it's okay.
Getting vulnerable from the start here, but I honestly feel like that’s the only way I’ll be able to truly share my life via blog (in whatever capacity that ends up being). Today I want to talk about the time I legit fell in love (maybe even got married lol) and traveled with a boy I barely knew in South East Asia—and how I had the most amazing experience of my life because I let go of old values and began living in the present.
To start, I realize the rarity of a situation like this—this is definitely not a blog about how I suggest everyone go to Asia and find a boy. This short-lived, yet incredibly intense relationship of sorts served as the perfect way for me to let go of values that weren’t serving me, practice living in the present moment, and trust the plan of the universe [whom I like to call God].
I met sweet Jonathan on a booze cruise in Halong Bay, Vietnam; only four days after my arrival in the country. So there I was: drunk (it was a booze cruise after all), cold & shivering (since I decided drunkenly that I should backflip in the freezing cold water), and meditating in the middle of the party boat. Yes, I decided that the best thing to do in my freezing situation was to meditate the cold away while surrounded by drunk european-twenty-something’s—quite frankly I just didn’t care what people thought at that point. To my surprise, a handsome guy sits next to me and asks if I’m meditating and if so, could he join.
I’m going to break from the story to give some background on my upbringing in hopes to give context to my mental state surrounding relationships. I’m not intending to criticize where I am from in any respect, but instead simply share my personal experience. I grew up in South Mississippi; the Bible belt of the US where Christian values are the norm to nearly everyone—religious and secular people alike. I was taught some of these values as a young girl, and due to my extremely perfectionistic and competitive personality as a child and young adult, I took these values very seriously for a long time. To give you an idea of what I values I’m referring to, here are some basic one’s:
You’re going to find a husband who is perfect for you
Date to get married, not to simply date (aka if you wouldn’t marry him, end it)
All boys are after one thing, sex
You shouldn’t have sex with anyone but your husband
If you do have pre-marital sex, you’ll “lose a part of yourself every time”
There are plenty more and different variations. I realize that for some people, who were not raised in Christian households, these ideas can seem extreme, and for some reading this, these are still some values you hold true to this day. There is no right or wrong way you live your life; it’s your life after all. You get to choose the values you embody and live by.
Once I matured and become independent, I began to realize that these long-held values simply were not true for me. It’s that simple. It’s like someone telling you your whole life, your favorite color is red, because red is the best color and you really shouldn’t doubt this truth, because it’s true. But deep down the whole time, you really know you like orange, and you kind of suppress the longing for orange because you don’t want to be considered a “red hater”. I like red too, I just like orange more. I can appreciate these values, I don’t hate them one bit, they just weren’t mine.
But the hard thing about childhood values is that even if they’re not true anymore, they can still hold space and judgement within your personal mental space. And while I’ve known these ideals weren’t my own for years, they have been difficult to release; mainly due to fear of being judged by peers and family, but also just because they were the framework of how I built my understanding of relationships. So now, I’m beginning to unbuild, lay a more honest and truthful-to-Bella foundation, and now begin to build a framework of dating, relationships, and love that I feel fully comfortable in.
I’ve dissected my deepest core values in this space to boil down to just a few statements:
I seek to find a partner to love and enjoy in the present
I demand respect to my values and reciprocate with the same in each relationship
I have no expectations of the future of any of my relationships, because I live in the present
My body is my temple and can be used to express my love, if I so choose.
With every relationship, no matter how small or big, I hope to grow and learn from them, as I will actively try to spread love and inspiration to them.
You see it was evident very early on after meeting Jonathan that while our connection was out of this world amazing, the reality surrounding “fall in love and live happily ever after together” was not going to happen, and we both knew that. But quite frankly, we weren’t even thinking about that, because we were enjoying each other in the present. Two days together on a wifi free secluded island (s/o to Castaways), is all it took for Jonathan and I to fall in love… and have a fake Jewish wedding ceremony on the beach with 50+ people in attendance.
No, we didn’t want the same things in life, no we didn’t plan to live near each other, we came from totally different backgrounds, but that didn’t matter, because that island was where we were in that moment, and none of those things mattered there. After the weekend ended, we parted ways, but then met up about a month later to travel together because we figured, why not?
Two weeks of absolute bliss, the romance of it all took me totally by surprise. I didn’t go abroad to meet a guy, I went for the adventure and yet, it ended up being the best part of it. Everyday we spent together, we made the most of it; exploring, swimming, dancing, partying, talking deeply, meeting people, trying new things, with absolutely no hard moments or no regrets any sort. We didn’t plan our travel much, we just went with it and when the time came to say goodbye, I cried and I left. But I didn’t cry in sadness, I cried because I finally realized what it felt like to live in the bliss of the present.
Now I look back on that time as one of the best times of my life, with only positive memories and feelings. I still talk to Jonathan occasionally, and wish and hope the best for him. I had a whirlwind romance that left me with more than I could have dreamt of.
And now, I look at this situation retrospectively using my old and new values as a tool to understand by growth. And it becomes apparent that my new values have resulted in the best and most fulfilling times in my life, and my old values would have resulted in suppression. It’s a simple concept I try and apply to every part of my life, be where you are.
And lastly, to my dearest Jonathan, my fun, handsome, Isreali, [younger than me, but probably wiser] vegetarian, tofu loving, southeast asian lover [husband? idk]— thank you for living in the present with me.
