Resting in the Pause

The Great Pause also know as the COVID-19 Epidemic.

Life’s what happens when you’re busy making plans.

We have all heard it so many times. And right now I’m sure we are all feeling it personally. 

Life is like a body of water we’re swimming in. The goal is land in the distance, our swimming trajectory is the plan, and life is the waves. And boy, the last few years the waves have been big. We’re used to getting hit with big waves and swimming through, but something is different now. Now the water is still, it’s thick, and we’re slowed down. Slowed so much that we are forced to pause.

A pause, a stop to our daily routine, a change in pace, a pause on our goals. We’re forced to slow down. Not by our own accord, but by our sweet, beautiful, tired planet. We all know humanity has taken a toll on our planet, so being called to pause could not come at a more optimal time. But then what about those plans we had? The routine we used to be so deep in, the pace we liked to push ourselves too? What about the goals we’re moving toward accomplishing? What about the enticing land in the distance?

Goals.

Since we were children, we were told to always have strong, written, detailed goals in almost all aspects of life. I’m the type of person who takes goals very seriously. For as long as I can remember, each year I’ve had at least one overarching, huge goal that I was extremely driven to conquer.

The goals ranged in their “profoundness” in my life lol, some were silly & important to me then, but now I could care less; while others we’re incredibly large and difficult goals. Of course as a child, it was “become an olympic gymnast” or “run the fastest in P.E.” As I grew up they changed to graduating top of my class in high school, getting into a great sorority, growing as a student leader in college, building a business from the ground up, moving across the country… I’ve always had pretty specific and hella big goals (at least for me). 

Goals for me have always been more intuitive than analytical. I don’t really sit down [as I’m sure not many people do] and think, “hmm, whats going to be my goal for this season in life?” Instead, I’ll usually get some uncanny desire to do something different, something big and different that will probably be faced with resistance from others; suddenly this tiny idea begins to bloom with motivation, overpowering motivation, and voila, a goal is born! And that goal isn’t going anywhere until I have either accomplished it, or lost the need or desire to. Like a focused swimmer lost at sea and suddenly you see land, not just any land, the fucking promised land. You’ve never swam so fast. 

Goal-less-ness.

Rarely in my life have I been without one of these crazy amazing goals, but even still there have been times. Times where I didn’t have any big goals—times I had no goals at all. The easiest way to explain it is that it feels like I’m floating around in a crazy turbulent body of water, knowing there is land close by but not knowing which way to swim and even if I did find land, was it the place I wanted to be? When this happens, the feelings tend to lead me to heightened anxiety and often mild depression.

This is how I felt Oct 2019 - Jan 1, 2020. So much energy to swim, but not a clue which way. I was goal-less. It’s a terrible feeling, and it’s happened at a few brief periods in my life. The only way I’ve ever been able to get myself out of my goal-less-ness is to truly fall into it, and stop trying to swim aimlessly. For me, this looks like falling away from the world for a bit. Going on a trip, seeing something new, sometimes making a radical change even if it’s not led by a goal. A break in the cycle. 

Well that break happened earlier this year on my trip through SE Asia. There I had the amazing pleasure of meeting amazing people who opened my eyes to new goals I didn’t know were in my power to even reach for. I was finally overcome with the feeling I’d been longing for for months. A brand spanking new goal to affix my eyes on for the next season of my life— traveling around the world for a whole year and more (read about it here). What a relief, a cleansing of my anxiety, and excitement on top of it. I had a goal for a future that I was ready to manifest. 

The Great Pause. 

Then the great pause began. For the first time, I have a goal, that I have no control over being able to accomplish. It’s like I’m in the water, I can see the land, I know where and how to swim there, but I’m slowed down, tethered to where I am right now. But instead of crazy waves all around me, it’s still like the pause between an inhale and exhale. 

It’s so still that I can see every other person in the water, all the different places on land around us. We are all tethered, for the most amazing, respectable, necessary, scary, yet wonderful reason. I want to me on the land I most desire, I want to use this motivation and swim there immediately, but I must stay here in the moment like we all must. 

So I will take my goal, and gently pause it as well, not to be lost, but as not to entice my emotions in the meantime. Now my goal is to sit in the pause. To feel the stillness, to grow with the moment. Knowing what we’re doing is so right. It’s right for humanity, it’s right for the earth, it’s right for your neighbor, for your loved ones, but most importantly this is right for you. 

Sit in the pause. Sit and feel the water. Ultimately this is so rare. Eventually the waters will begin to eb and flow, slowly, more and more, until there are waves just as big as before. Our tethers will release and we will swim again. But maybe this time you’ll slow down a little bit on the way to the promised land, to feel the water, to show love and gratitude to those you see along the way, to change direction if necessary, and to take joy in the journey.