Meditating w/ a mind that doesn’t want to
Siem Reap, Cambodia. February 2020
Los Angeles. Summer 2019.
How meditation changed my life.
A year ago I was happy as a clam. The kind of young, innocent, giddy happy that comes from experiencing new things with wide open eyes, and absolutely no worries. Having just moved to Los Angeles with nothing but positive energy, smiles, and love to share, the ideas of “stress” “depression” or “anxiety” were so far removed from my current life that the idea of meditation seemed superfluous to me.
Why would I need to sit still and attempt to think about nothing every day? That honestly seemed strange and totally unnecessary. Nonetheless, I tried it a few times and I literally remember laughing at how silly I felt. My mind was going a hundred miles (or kilometers—for my International friends) per hour and there was no apparent way for me to tame it; and I honestly didn’t care too. The meditation app was quickly deleted and I went on smiling.
So time went on, and just as a child is bound to get sick if she spends too long in a candy store unsupervised, my tummy began to fill with anxiety from the overstimulation I had exposed myself to in LA. Triggered by some confusing relationships, job uncertainty, and partying that outweighed creating—the anxiety started slowly but became crippling not too long after.
I did it all: exercised, talked about it, blocked it out, used external means in the form prescribed drugs and/or alcohol in an effort to relieve the tension. All of these “treatments” are temporary relief and we know that the real way to relieve the anxiety is to address the problem directly, but healthy coping mechanisms can help immensely when you are stuck in those situations where you can’t address the problem. And real talk—if you feel your mental health is greatly unstable, please seek professional help.
“So time went on, and just as a child is bound to get sick if she spends too long in a candy store unsupervised, my tummy began to fill with anxiety from the overstimulation I had exposed myself to in LA.”
The only thing that felt like a genuine relief to the anxiety tension in my chest was yoga—specifically the last 5 mins of class, savasana (where you lay still and rest in a meditative state). I realized I was kind of meditating and it really only worked after I had just sweat for 45 mins of intense yoga asana. But one day, my anxiety was heightened, it was the middle of the day, I had already practiced yoga that morning, I couldn’t concentrate on work, I didn’t want to take anti anxiety medication, I was desperate to try anything—so I re-downloaded the app and tried meditating again.
There’s no right or wrong way to meditate, that day I spent 10 mins sitting comfortably on my bed listening to the Headspace voice guide my mind and body into a rest I was so thankful for even if I “messed up” the technicalities of the mediation many times. For the next 10 days, I took 10 - 15 mins everyday to meditate while also practicing yoga, exercising and everything else. It was mind-blowing how just a few short mindful minutes was able to help ease my anxiety so much.
It was not a cure by any means—that came with time, re-evaluating my goals, changing my path, and directly addressing the causes of my stress, but I meditated through it all. And I still meditate even now; even though I feel just as smiley and happy as I did a year ago, because it’s the best way to begin to understand myself and my mind and become aware and understand my anxiety before it boils over.
My apartment view. Los Angeles, CA. 2019
It makes so much sense now, meditation is watching your mind. Understanding it and how it likes to operate. Not intervening, but observing so that we can properly begin to recognize that our mind is often quite ridiculous and the “stress” we so often feel is sometimes just our mind exacerbating small sparks of feelings into roaring infernos.
The time we take to get to know our mind serves to not only ease of of stress and anxiety in the present but also helps us prevent untimely panics in the future. So here’s to meditation, the simple act of doing nothing, yet solving so much.
The only thing that felt like a genuine relief to the anxiety tension in my chest was yoga—specifically the last 5 mins of class, savasana (where you lay still and rest in a meditative state). I realized I was kind of meditating and it really only worked after I had just sweat for 45 mins of intense yoga asana. But one day, my anxiety was heightened, it was the middle of the day, I had already practiced yoga that morning, I couldn’t concentrate on work, I didn’t want to take anti anxiety medication, I was desperate to try anything—so I re-downloaded the app and tried meditating again.
There’s no right or wrong way to meditate, that day I spent 10 mins sitting comfortably on my bed listening to the Headspace voice guide my mind and body into a rest I was so thankful for even if I “messed up” the technicalities of the mediation many times. For the next 10 days, I took 10 - 15 mins everyday to meditate while also practicing yoga, exercising and everything else. It was mind-blowing how just a few short mindful minutes was able to help ease my anxiety so much.
Home Quarantine, Los Angeles. March, 2020.
It was not a cure by any means—that came with time, re-evaluating my goals, changing my path, and directly addressing the causes of my stress, but I meditated through it all. And I still meditate even now; even though I feel just as smiley and happy as I did a year ago, because it’s the best way to begin to understand myself and my mind and become aware and understand my anxiety before it boils over.
It makes so much sense now, meditation is watching your mind. Understanding it and how it likes to operate. Not intervening, but observing so that we can properly begin to recognize that our mind is often quite ridiculous and the “stress” we so often feel is sometimes just our mind exacerbating small sparks of feelings into roaring infernos.
The time we take to get to know our mind serves to not only to ease stress and anxiety in the present, but also helps us prevent untimely panics in the future. So here’s to meditation, the simple act of doing nothing, yet solving so much.
xoxo, bella.
